Sometimes I get down, but it's not you that gets me down
Aztec Camera - The Birth of the True
I went through a spell, just recently, when I felt quite down. It began mid September, and I thought of it as my six month blues because I'd been in my new job six months. This was the length of time I was in my last, much detested job, and also the length of time I'd been away from it. I was beginning to acknowledge the stress I'd been going through during that period. I'd denied a lot of it, and put it away, but it was starting to resurface again and I was having to deal with it.
Alongside this, I was beginning to feel the pressure to get a better job. It's not that I want to leave my current job, but I just felt that I needed to do better. Spud didn't have a job, but he's saved all his money since the age of ten so that he could buy his future wife (aka me) a house. I felt like I was letting him down by not getting a better job, even though he assured me I wasn't. Anyway, after my perfect interview for my dream job back in August (when I was told, in Spud's words: you were excellent, but there was someone more excellent...) I was still applying for jobs, and not even getting an interview.
Finally, as I said before, Spud didn't have a job and we were beginning to talk worst case scenarios. With only me in employment, we couldn't get a mortgage, and we definitely couldn't afford rent. So, our options were starting married life at Spud's (which wasn't really an option, because there is no space for me and I would literally be living out of a suitcase!), at Spud's Nanny's house (which was a bit more of a possibility, but still meant a lack of privacy), or Treasure's house (again, a possibility, but no privacy).
As you can imagine, this issue was getting to me. I've been here eighteen months now, and I feel like I've effectively been in suspended animation - waiting around and seeing no prospect of change, and feeling trapped and helpless, unable to do anything.
Thankfully, change was just around the corner. Spud got a job, and the worst case scenarios flew out the window as we realised we would most probably be able to get a place of our own now. However, I had just spent a week visiting my family, without Spud this time, and for the first time since leaving home eighteen months ago, I suffered from quite severe home sickness when I returned.
This hung around awhile, although alleviated fully, along with the rest of my negative emotions, when Spud and I found out we could get a mortgage, and then started looking at properties. It seems that excitement is a good cure for just about everything.
Anyway, what is the purpose of me writing all this? Well, firstly, I wanted to explain why I haven't been around much lately. I know I have posted a few things, but they have mostly been photos or somewhat detached, not really my style. This was partly because of the emotional baggage I was dealing with, exhaustion, and just general busyness.
Also, when I'm feeling crappy, I don't like to open up, as I feel like I am burdening people. That's just the sort of person that I am. I like to talk about such things when I have got through a bad patch, thus making it a tale of survival. There are people in this world with far bigger issues than I have to deal with, and my own complaints don't really compare. I am a very blessed person. I think it's important, though, for you to know about that side of me, and that sometimes I am quietly bleeding, even though I am trying to be brave and keep a smile on my face.
I guess, really, this my attempt to put my feelings into words and to make some sense of them myself. I am fine now. I am my happy, sunshiny self again now that things are moving. Hopefully, I will post again soon. I say hopefully because the coming week is looking to be a busy one, but I intend be a proactive blogger again.