Sunday, 30 October 2011

Smiling On The Outside, Bleeding On The Inside

Sometimes I get down, but it's not you that gets me down

Aztec Camera - The Birth of the True

I went through a spell, just recently, when I felt quite down. It began mid September, and I thought of it as my six month blues because I'd been in my new job six months. This was the length of time I was in my last, much detested job, and also the length of time I'd been away from it. I was beginning to acknowledge the stress I'd been going through during that period. I'd denied a lot of it, and put it away, but it was starting to resurface again and I was having to deal with it. 

Alongside this, I was beginning to feel the pressure to get a better job. It's not that I want to leave my current job, but I just felt that I needed to do better. Spud didn't have a job, but he's saved all his money since the age of ten so that he could buy his future wife (aka me) a house. I felt like I was letting him down by not getting a better job, even though he assured me I wasn't. Anyway, after my perfect interview for my dream job back in August (when I was told, in Spud's words: you were excellent, but there was someone more excellent...) I was still applying for jobs, and not even getting an interview. 

Finally, as I said before, Spud didn't have a job and we were beginning to talk worst case scenarios. With only me in employment, we couldn't get a mortgage, and we definitely couldn't afford rent. So, our options were starting married life at Spud's (which wasn't really an option, because there is no space for me and I would literally be living out of a suitcase!), at Spud's Nanny's house (which was a bit more of a possibility, but still meant a lack of privacy), or Treasure's house (again, a possibility, but no privacy). 

As you can imagine, this issue was getting to me. I've been here eighteen months now, and I feel like I've effectively been in suspended animation - waiting around and seeing no prospect of change, and feeling trapped and helpless, unable to do anything. 

Thankfully, change was just around the corner. Spud got a job, and the worst case scenarios flew out the window as we realised we would most probably be able to get a place of our own now. However, I had just spent a week visiting my family, without Spud this time, and for the first time since leaving home eighteen months ago, I suffered from quite severe home sickness when I returned. 

This hung around awhile, although alleviated fully, along with the rest of my negative emotions, when Spud and I found out we could get a mortgage, and then started looking at properties. It seems that excitement is a good cure for just about everything. 

Anyway, what is the purpose of me writing all this? Well, firstly, I wanted to explain why I haven't been around much lately. I know I have posted a few things, but they have mostly been photos or somewhat detached, not really my style. This was partly because of the emotional baggage I was dealing with, exhaustion, and just general busyness. 

Also, when I'm feeling crappy, I don't like to open up, as I feel like I am burdening people. That's just the sort of person that I am. I like to talk about such things when I have got through a bad patch, thus making it a tale of survival. There are people in this world with far bigger issues than I have to deal with, and my own complaints don't really compare. I am a very blessed person. I think it's important, though, for you to know about that side of me, and that sometimes I am quietly bleeding, even though I am trying to be brave and keep a smile on my face. 

I guess, really, this my attempt to put my feelings into words and to make some sense of them myself. I am fine now. I am my happy, sunshiny self again now that things are moving. Hopefully, I will post again soon. I say hopefully because the coming week is looking to be a busy one, but I intend be a proactive blogger again. 

2 comments:

Anna said...

My darling Kess!
What a blog! I'm so sorry I've been so inattentive of late.
I took a sebaceous cyst on my lower back and it left me feeling really poorly.
This coupled with doing extra shifts to save for my holiday , well I've been exhausted, really.
However we are on the verge of our road trip and boy we can't wait!
Keep well my darling little friend, I love you so.
Forgive me for neglecting you and not being there when you needed someone!
I'll write from the States.
Back December 5th.
Love you sweetheart and chin up :)
All my love as ever,
Anna
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kess said...

Heya sweetie!
It's not you, it's me! I keep meaning to comment on your blog or email. Blast my laptop for not letting me leave you comments! Boo hoo!
So sorry to hear about your sebaceous cyst. Hope you're okay now. Take care of yourself and make sure you get plenty of rest time.
I'm okay now, darling. Just got a bit down for a while because I missed my family and friends, and the work situation knocked my confidence and self esteem. I was worrying a lot, but there really was no need. I'm no longer in "suspended animation" now. Everything's got exciting, what with applying for a mortgage and putting an offer on a house, and wedding planning! It all seems so near!
I'm so excited for you about your trip to America! What an amazing opportunity!
Next time I get on Spud's computer I'll leave a whopping great comment on your blog!
AML,
Kess

xxxx