Friday, 30 September 2011

Sliding Doors

Do you ever wonder how a single minute, or a single decision could change your life? I've just been enjoying a leisurely afternoon in front of a girly film, "Sliding Doors" (well, it would have been leisurely, except my laptop didn't like my choice of movie and kept stopping it repeatedly so that the audio jarred and was out of sync with the picture until I fiddled with it and set it right again). Anyway, it made me think about the consequences behind each decision, and what might have happened at key moments in my life had a made a different choice. 

Like that day, more than five years ago, I got a message from a random guy on MySpace, asking if I wanted to chat. What might have happened had I deleted that email? Well, any number of things really. Let's see...

1. I don't have any lessons on Wednesday, so I go into a local primary school and do some work experience. This is because I want to study B Ed primary at university next year, and I think a little experience could go a long way...

Instead, I spent my Wednesdays chatting to the random guy and falling in love with him. And I didn't get on to the B Ed primary course...

2. So, I got onto the B Ed primary course! It's very intense, but I'm coping with the workload. Anyway, I quit my Saturday job at the shoe shop and moved into university accommodation. I study very hard, but sometimes I go out and socialise. I'm still single, but hopefully I'll meet someone in the next three years...

Instead, I was offered the chance to do English Literature, which, although intense at times, consisted of a mere 9 hours of lectures a week. Although I moved into university accommodation, I went home at weekends so I could continue my Saturday job. I therefore missed out on most of the nights out, and didn't really bond with my house mates. I was also, by this point, in a relationship with the random guy from MySpace and completely smitten with him. 

3. So, my first year of teacher training is complete, and I passed! I also have befriended some girls on my course, and we are moving into a house together - so exciting! I know the city like the back of my hand, although I haven't yet decided whether I want to live hear permanently, or move back home when my studies are complete. I feel more confident now, especially about standing up in front of a class as I have gained lots of experience of this from my placements. I am still single. I don't actually have time for a boyfriend at the moment, but no one has shown any interest in me anyway. I know I'm not pretty, but maybe someone will see the real me someday...

Instead, after my first year, I opted to commute. All of my flatmates from halls had made their own plans (which excluded me) but I had already decided that commuting made more sense, as I only had lectures 2 - 3 days a week, and it was only a 45 mile journey. This, along with the journeys up North to see the random guy from MySpace, increased my confidence when travelling alone (although I was still petrified about standing up in front of people and giving presentations!) The random guy from MySpace had also raised my confidence generally, and my self-esteem. He also proposed to me midway through my second year. I was beginning to feel like a completely new person...

4. So, I passed and I've graduated. I'm in the process of applying for jobs, both in the city and back at home. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't lost faith, but I was sure university would be the place I'd meet someone. I just haven't met the right person yet, but he must be in the world somewhere...

So, I passed and graduated. I moved up North and settled. I endured a crappy job for a while, I moved into what some people would consider an equally crappy job, but I quite like it. Anyway, that doesn't matter, because best of all, I get to see the random guy from MySpace everyday, and next year we're getting married! Ever since moving 300 miles from home, my confidence has increased, and I've done a lot of things I didn't think myself capable of. The independence is doing me a lot of good, and even though the job situation is lousy, I am mostly happy. 

I hope you enjoyed this little spin off of my life. There are other moments in the past that could have changed the course of my whole life. There are the small things: I could have gone to a university further away from home and studied something completely different, I could have said yes the first time I was ever asked out (and then I would've never met Spud). Would life have been any different if I hadn't become a Christian? Absolutely! My faith influences my decisions on a daily basis. Sometimes I make the wrong decision, but I know it's not the end of the world as I can accept forgiveness and start over again, minus the guilt. 

Life is an adventure. Live it to the full, and look on any regrets you have as experience. 


Anna said...

Hello darling!
I loved these last two posts.
The one about the * what ifs*
reminded me of that movie * Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind*
This movie fascinated me, it was sort of what if
you came into my life, but then I erased you?
Sorry if this isn't making sense, it's just I was talking to someone yesterday about what if's and they are in my head lol!
Great writing as ever, my love.
You make me ache with joy.
You really do.

Tamara Epps said...

Brilliant post (and by the way Spud has 'Sliding Doors' on video somewhere as I made him buy it after watching it in R.P.E.). I tend not to think about all the decisions I could have made as I don't believe we can ever know (after all, every decision we make makes us who we are) and some things are better left unthought (at least for me).

Also, you're incredibly pretty!

Kess said...

*Anna* Hi Anna! Thank you!
I haven't seen that movie, but what a great title! I'll definitely check it out sometime!
How funny that you were talking about "what ifs" yesterday, too!



Kess said...

*Tamara* Thank you! I put in the comment about not being pretty because before I met Spud I was very insecure about how I looked, and I think he played a big part in helping me to get over those insecurities.

Spud insisted that he didn't have it when I bought the DVD the other day, but I'm sure I watched in on VHS with him once before! Anyway, I was just having a girly movie day at home and I don't have a video player :(

I don't tend to think about the decisions either. I'm mostly happy with the way things are going anyway, but sometimes it's fun just to think about where I might be now.

spudit said...

I told you I had the video! I just said that for 50p you might as well get it on DVD! also, i don't live 'up North' it might be north of where you were, but theres not much south of there!
Lastly, I also have Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on video (somewhere). Cant remember it that well, but i think its a bit confusing as its by Charlie Kaufman (who did Adaptation)
Love you

Kess said...

I know! That's exactly what I meant by "up North". It's the closest I could get without giving away our top secret location! Lol. You know, this blog is growing in popularity. Don't want to attract any stalkers lol.

Love you too x