For a week or two I've suffered from a depression of sorts, and I know and regret that this has been reflected in some of my posts. I call it the 'pre-birthday blues', and I believe the cause has been my complete jumble of emotions, along with the anticipation of change, and the feelings of rejection I've experienced recently.
The friendship 'issues' were resolved, at least in my mind, yesterday, and sadly not in the way I hoped. I found out that one of my friends had her 21st birthday party over the weekend, and invited everyone in the group but me. This was the final confirmation I needed that they no longer considered me a 'friend', and the final wound I was willing to take. I knew there was nothing more that I could do, and it was time to let go.
I cried for most of the morning because I couldn't believe that a group of people who built me up could suddenly knock me down again. I admit I had a bit of a pity party. It really hurt to see photos of them all having a good time without me, and to know they didn't want me there. The house was empty, and in my bewilderment I felt lost and alone.
It was a relief to go to work at 4, and a real comfort to have people around me. Caring for people who are dependent on you is certainly an ideal distraction. I think some of my colleagues could see I was not quite myself, as I received a couple of sweet facebook messages expressing concern. One of my colleagues gave me a much needed hug!
My heart was still heavy, and my true sunny-natured, care-free self still absent until this evening when I had a heart to heart with my mother. I poured out my heart to her, and felt so much better for it. The heaviness seemed to lift slightly, and has gradually eased over the last couple of hours. I feel as though the old Kess has returned. I know the pain and fear is still present, but in the midst of this all I have so much to look forward to, and a God who loves me and will make everything right in the end. I also realise just how many people do care about me.
There will be days when I feel down, as is the norm for everybody, but I think the 'pre-birthday blues' have gone for good now. This is not a mopy post, but a celebratory one. My joy and excitement has returned; my vigour renewed. Everything's going to be just fine!
* By the way, today also marks the halfway point between the day Spud and I started going out, and the day we plan to get married! *